27 July 2009

I felt ashamed of myself for thinking that mama might be gone anytime soon.  This morning, I accompanied her, along with my brother Manny and nephew Adrian, to San Juan de Dios Hospital for her LYNAX session.  As I was waiting for my mother to come out of the radio therapy room, I was seated next to a man who was waiting for his turn to undergo therapy.  I didn’t know at first that he was also a patient.  I was really surprised when the attendant motioned for him to get in.  He looked so healthy and agile, very far from someone who’s battling with cancer.  And I realized just how little faith I’ve had!

Mama will get well, and it doesn’t matter now  if her cancer’s already at stage 4.  Who cares, really?  If I had asked God before to give her one more ‘healthy’ year, now I’m bold enough to pray for more years added to her life.  And as I did so, a thought came to me.  Do I think of God as a magician?  Asking Him to conjure something for me in an instant?

I gave it a lot of thought.

Sure, my relationship with Him needs some restructuring, it seems.  But, no, I do not view Him as some kind of a magician.  He is the source of life, and if there’s anyone who can make my mother well, that’s Him.  Yet, at the same time, He can also take her life anytime.

I realized just how bitter I’ve been, too.  There came a time when I just no longer felt like praying.  Sure, I would thank Him each day for blessings and pray for good things to come our way, but I do all those things without faith.  I’ve been bitter, and bitterness had only given me emptiness.  I just couldn’t appreciate anything anymore.  For a time, I was devoid of feelings except anger, irritation.

I may never understand why God allowed it to happen to my mother, to my family.  And I don’t think I have the right to question Him either.  I just want to look at the brighter side now–there are lessons to learn all the time, anyway.