To others, my marriage may seem very pitiful. No matter how hard I try, it seems that things will never be the same again. I only end up hurting myself in the process.
Something tells me it’s time for me to move on, with or without my lawful husband. This is another battle for me, much bigger than I ever had before. It’s a recurring issue, and I feel like I’m on the losing end. I’ve nothing else to do but to leave it as well to the Lord’s hands. I shall always count on Him to handle things that are way beyond my control.
As much as I try to deal with my husband’s past, his unruly relatives, and my own mistakes, with humility and patience, I feel like there’s nothing else I can do now except become the lady-in-waiting. That is, wait for my husband to come around as I diligently do my roles as a mother and a wife–even without a husband to appreciate me.
Looking back, I’ve had issues with God when it comes to handling battles. I would always give Him the upper hand, then withdraw my support. I keep learning lately, however, to be more patient with myself and my situation, and allow God to lead. After all, there’s no way I can address issues that stem from one’s wickedness, or is there?
I am tired. Christmas is approaching, it seems rather bleak to me and my kids, but I’d like to stay hopeful. At least, for my children who still have a lot to learn about giving and forgiveness.
For now, I resolve to keep silent and wait upon the Lord to deliver me from this maddening situation I am in… if only I could die now. But I still have little girls to take care of, teach, bring up in the way of the Lord. For now, I’ll just stop whacking my brains for solutions and arming myself with useless battle gears, but trust in Him instead.