My girls and I welcomed the new year rather differently this year. Quiet, in fact. We’re all alone, away from my father and the rest of my relatives, and for the first time, away from my husband, too. I had been hoping that we could at least simultaneously celebrate it with our loved ones, virtually. Yet no one else seemed to be online, except for my husband who refused to take our invitations to video calls.
Well, so much for the hope of starting over again, having a stronger family bond this year. I suppose he is still nursing a wound that I had stupidly inflicted on him a year ago. We have had good times since he learned about my little sin; in fact, he even sent me expensive gifts of perfumes and flashy mobile phones, as well as Swiss and Belgian dark chocolates both for our 7th church wedding anniversary and my birthday. He also came home for our eldest daughter’s last birthday and we all enjoyed being together as a family in every possible way. However, just a couple of weeks before Christmas, from out of the blue, the issue was re-opened and it turned out that he has not really moved on yet, never really has forgiven me yet. And just as I had done before, I continued to make attempts at reconciliation, which only seemed to be more elusive each time I tried. My apologies would only bring the opposite of what I expected.
I am not sure where my marriage is heading. I have no idea what is on his mind, why he is being very difficult now more than ever, and whether he has any good feelings left for me at all.
I do not wish, however, to start the year with such heaviness in my heart. I would rather hope that things will be all right soon. I would rather trust the Lord in making him turn around. In the mean time, I will just keep on praying, hoping, and leaving the door open for him, letting him know that he is always welcome in our own home, in our family, in my heart.