(Image copied from http://www.211sacramento.org/flyer.pdf)
I’ve been scouring various websites for more than a year now in search of a decent-paying home-based job that would suit my talents and interests. Finally, I got one recently. It is ironic though that it’s making me lose sight of my priorities, with my children on top. I have to keep reminding myself that I am first and foremost a
Honestly, I’m no longer sure at times what it means to be one. It’s like all my dreams of having a small happy family and being the best mom (and wife) in the world had gone out of the windows. All I could think of before I go to sleep, in the middle of my sleep, and right upon waking up is DEADLINE(s). Its red, big, bold letters are always screaming in my head! And to think that I’m the type of person who hates being rushed and/or forced to conform to another person’s schedule or whims, this word could conjure gruesome images before me, especially when I am given urgent files to work on.
I live with my two very young daughters, away from my husband who works abroad, which means I’m all alone raising them (though not financially). Sure, we get to see and talk to my husband — thanks to iPhone, Skype, and YM! — at least a couple of times a day, but that’s not really enough when it’s my husband’s presence that I need, especially with a household to run, children–as well as pet(s)–to take care of, and an offshore (foreign) boss and clients to please, not to mention graduate school requirements to complete not only for the sake of learning and getting a nicer job somewhere in the future, but for the reason why I get to study (scholarship) in that prestigious and expensive university.
Some people admire me, others show pity on me, while others still think I’m simply being stupid. I think I can relate to how they all see me. I feel like I am Wonder Woman sometimes–fighting battles without a sidekick–except it’s not the bad guys that I am fighting off, but deadlines in order to take care of the other stuffs that require my attention, which makes me rather foolish then. I am even becoming well-verse with deliveries and ‘job-outs’ since finding a suitable helper / baby sitter is becoming such a feat these days that I still have not found one.
I am not sure how much longer I’ll be able to keep up with this balancing act. I enjoy it as it gives me so much pleasure and that feeling of accomplishment whenever I have completed so many tasks in a day. Moreover, as much as it prevents me from keeping my house spic-and-span, well, since I do not love house chores much, it gives me a good excuse for not doing them. However, still, my children and my own health are on the losing end here. I feel guilty that my eldest daughter’s grade in Math plummeted right under my nose during the last grading period, and I fear now that my younger daughter is not well-prepared yet for schooling by June this year. No, I have not been spending enough time with them nor keeping my tutoring schedule with them even if we always seem to be together, and this is probably the worst confession a stay-at-home mom could ever make.
Sure, I need the money, especially for my upcoming medical operation, outstanding debts (to my father), school requirements, and my own personal spending. I also need a Master’s Degree for all the glory my studies can bring to the society, my school, my family, and myself. But the big question is still whether they are all worth it. I can think of a number of reasons for keeping my job and my graduate studies, but they all seem meaningless if I can’t really achieve a balance between my work (and studies) and family concerns… see, I even tend to take God out of the equation! That must be the reason I can’t seem to get my act together, eh?