Lately, I’ve been very preoccupied with my roles as a mother and though I am guilty of not being able to submit new articles both for my blog and part-time job, I have become less severe with myself, thinking that I could only do so much. No, not a good excuse for not working hard, but I guess I’ve come to a point where I no longer want to do so many things at a time. I’ve come to realize that there’s no need for me to prove anything to anyone. I just have to embrace my duties now as a mother, wife–even if my husband is abroad–and full-time homemaker, and until I do so, I don’t think I’ll be able to perform other roles effectively. Moreover, if I manage our finances well, there’s really no need for me to work at all, or at least for financial reasons.
At first, I thought that I would experience boredom if I focus on my children and other household concerns alone. On the contrary, I still always find my hands full and boredom is out of the question. Moreover, I have understood why I had always felt burnt out in the past: waking up very early everyday, preparing my children for school, etc. requires attention to details and consumes so much energy. It’s still the same as running on a deadline, only it is my children who will suffer if I don’t get the tasks done well and on time each morning: no breakfast, no school lunch or snacks, no school service, no clean or ironed uniform to wear, and worse, a negative mark on my daughters’ attendance record.
Until my daughters are already in their respective classes, I shall not get some rest. However, since I’m not much of an advocate of rest or relaxation, I tend to find myself busy with other things even as I wait for my daughters’ classes to finish. I am that type of person who thinks of the next thing to be done even before I finish the task at hand. I had the notion that I am most effective when being rushed and I’d never feel productive if I’m only attending to one detail or task (at a time). Silly, isn’t it?
Having a couple of hours now to myself to do some walking has helped me loosen up a bit and become healthier, I believe. I get to exercise and notice the details in my surroundings, the usual places I see when I go out. I have become more familiar with the names of establishments and streets, and found out which store is selling certain goods at a cheaper price. As I walk down the streets, I would put on my MP3 player and listen to praise songs, too. Hence, my daily walk has also helped me feel closer to God, think about His goodness and my relationship with Him more often, as I listen to the songs and appreciate my surroundings.
Since I’m no longer running on deadlines the whole day, I think my temper has become more even now too. I have learned to tolerate some of the things that I used to find very irritating. I can now afford to let my children become messy; after all, they already know how to clean up and will clean up. I have also learned to fight the urge to admonish my neighbor next door for singing so loudly on videoke as early as 7 AM and as late as 12 MN on weekends. (But, really, some people are just plain insensitive, if not ill-mannered.) When we’ve run out of chocolate cake, milk or cookies, I no longer feel like running to the grocery store or bakeshop. I have learned that not having those comfort food all the time doesn’t mean that my husband and I are incapable of providing (good) food or niceties to our children. Instead, I have learned to be content with what we have and live within our means. I have also been cooking more often now and saving from food deliveries or fast food meals, since I no longer have an excuse for not being able to cook (deadlines, yes). I am also more in control now of our finances, I think. In fact, I should be able to save a fair amount this month even without my own paycheck to add to it.
Not trying to accomplish so many things at a time and learning to be less controlling of the situation sure has its benefits. And I am only starting to enjoy them now. Soon, I know I shall miss, go back (to), and finish some commitments at work and school. For now, however, I shall be the best full-time homemaker that I can be.