I woke up at around one o’clock this morning crying because of some bad dream. In my dream, my husband and his brother died almost simultaneously at different places, but of the same cause: vehicular accident. My brother-in-law was ran over by a car, whereas my husband was ran over by a truck as he was running after my eldest daughter, trying to save her from that same truck. It was so bizarre! As soon as I started crying in my dreams, especially because of the latter, I could no longer stop myself from doing so. I lay awake in bed for a few minutes, trying to sort my feelings and the details of the dream.
In the last part of my dream, as I was crying out loud, various questions ran through my head: why did it have to be my husband? How would I raise my children now, especially that I do not have a steady income of my own? Is my husband truly saved? I woke up at the last question and realized that I’ve been dreaming too often lately about dying people in my family. First, it was my father, then my brothers at two separate occasions, and now my husband (and his brother). My father and both of my brothers are still unbelievers. Meaning, they have not been born again yet, they have not established a deep personal relationship with Jesus, and they still continue to practice religious beliefs that are rather paganistic in nature. And then there goes my husband. He knows Christ, he knows the Bible very well (his Sunday School teachers can attest to that), but he refers to himself as “probably the most compromised Christian” in the world, simply because he had led a lifestyle that was unbecoming of a believer and he’s very uncomfortable in professing his faith.
Suddenly, I found myself being asked the same question: what am I doing to lead these important persons in my life close(r) to God? Have I shared the Gospel to my 79-year old father? (No, I don’t remember doing so, although I remember telling him a couple of times that God loves him when our family was going through a very tough time.) Have I shared the Gospel to my brothers? (No, but I’ve always invited them to the church where I used to serve every time an evangelistic musical presentation was held. My eldest brother would attend with his family, while my other brother had started attended the church service several times at our new church.) How about leading a Christ-filled life for them to witness? (Uh, I’m not really sure about that.) As for my husband, how consistent have I been in encouraging him to live out his role of being a spiritual leader in our family? (I do that from time to time.) Sure, I always pray for them to get to know Christ deeply, to hunger and thirst for God’s Word, and have a deep personal relationship with Him. Other than that, however, I haven’t really done much. How could I when I’m still lacking in so many areas?
As I went down on my knees begging for God to spare my loved ones from death and all forms of dangers, even temptations, I felt the overwhelming challenge and desire to do something. To live a life worthy to be called a Christian, to repent, to share the Gospel with them, especially with my father once and for all, and be well-equipped to do the seemingly insurmountable task that all followers of Christ are called to do so (read Matthew 5:16; 28:19-20).
Soon after praying, I fell asleep again and woke up just in time to prepare my eldest child for school. I remembered all at once the dream I had a few hours ago, but felt more peaceful. I recited Psalm 103:1-2, which has been my usual prayer at the start of each day. After I’ve performed my mundane morning-of-school day routine and my child was picked up by her school service, I went back to bed to read more Psalms. I knew what I have to do now. I just need focus and determination to learn more about God’s Word and live it out. It’s going to be tough, the devil will always be prowling, and I have to be constantly alert. This time, I shall be wiser though; I’ll be enlisting the help of fellowChristians, who could pray for me and understand what it’s like to really to be in a spiritual warfare.