Have you ever experienced praying so hard for something to happen, then finally, when the first sign appears that what you’ve been praying for is about to come true, you start to laugh at the idea then cower, wondering if it’s really happening, while panic swells inside of you as you remember that nothing’s impossible with God and your life is about to change forever? Well, not just your life, but your loved ones’ as well?
I know! It’s crazy, right? Well, that’s exactly how I feel now. And I couldn’t help relating my situation to Abraham‘s wife Sarah for the first time, when she laughed at the thought that her deepest desire to become a mother was about to come true, at the age when she was already way, way past the age of childbearing… However, I have also wondered about the various what ifs, like, what if I mess up along the way and God would change His mind, suddenly declaring that it’s not yet time, that was just a teaser? Or, oops! Wrong move (attitude), go back to Start?
I can tell that God’s leading me to where I want to be, judging by the series of events that have been happening in my life lately. Sure, they can be called coincidences, but somehow, I’m not convinced that they’re just merely coincidences. I can sense God’s hand in it. For one, my daily devotionals, seem to be consistently pointing me to the same direction. It’s like they’ve been written just for me, just for the moment I am in.
Two, every day, I feel more and more hungry for God’s guidance and presence in my life. At the same time, I am excited to see Him work wonders in my life. I can’t wait to jump to the next block, to skip places, to get to the finish line early and triumphantly.
Three, despite the rejections and seemingly unpleasant changes that I’ve been encountering the past few months, the flame inside me just continues to grow. My dream, I believe, has started to take its form that as soon as I wake up and before I go to bed, I am consumed by the urge to seize it, to claim it. And today, after a serious talk with my husband, he finally gave me his blessings, despite the fact that reaching my dreams also means having to take a few risks that could nevertheless bring some inconveniences to our family, especially to our very young daughters.
Risks. Now, that’s another story, of course. Who wants to take risks anyway, especially when your innocent loved ones are involved? I’ve always been a risk taker during my youth and have always welcomed challenges, but that’s because all I could think of was myself and my goals, not to mention that my late mother was always there on the sideline cheering me on, no matter what the outcome would be. However, now that I have two children who are still very much dependent on me–and I no longer have a mother that I could run to even if my decision would turn out to be a bad one–taking risks takes a whole new concept.
Suddenly, I feel like I have to move mountains in two months or my family will crumble. Every thing that (my husband and) I have hoped for could disappear into thin air, but would nevertheless leave a stinking stench behind. On the other hand, I also feel that all I need to do is to trust God more, to work doubly hard even with so little time, to work very, very smart and surround myself with positive individuals…
After realizing all these, I couldn’t help but cry and pray. The description of the Proverbs 31 Woman kept running in my head and I also realized how badly I wanted to be like one. I want to be able to do the same things that she does for her own family and others, be a channel of wonderful blessings, and be called blessed.
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Today, I have decided to claim God’s promises for my family and myself. There’s no turning back now. If my husband believes in me, then no one else can put me down. If God has already lain out the path, then there’s no reason I shouldn’t take it. The road may become a little rough along the way, but I know that He’ll be with me all the time. I may not always feel His presence, but I shall continue to trust that He’s with me all the way. Proverbs 31 Woman I shall become, to be called “good and faithful servant” is what I long to hear at the end of my journey.