It’s been a week now since we buried Papa and I have also been sick since that day, but I feel much better now these past few days. I just had to take things slowly, one day at a time, as they say, to keep the symptoms of peripheral neuropathy at bay. It has started to bother me, so this week I focused on getting well and tending to my garden a couple of hours each day.
I’ve been trying to keep my mind off what happened and I thought I’d start with forgiving and making things right. If it’s true that souls roam the planet first, visiting its loved ones, before going to the heavens, then I just had my first visit from my pops.
It was Friday evening, I was battling with fever, when I suddenly smelled an unlit cigarette. It’s like it was being waived right under my nose. I imagine Papa holding it up to me to see that he has not lit it yet and has no intention of really smoking. He was just holding a stick of cigarette because he wants to, he has gotten so used to it, and it gives him comfort.
No, I did not feel scared. Not one bit. Though I cried as I missed him and talked to him as if he’s really there. The experience took me back to the time when I was still the baby in the family, unmarried, when my father would go to my room to check on me whenever I was really sick and couldn’t eat.
I still miss my father, but at least I can smile now whenever I remember him. I refuse to be bogged down by what ifs and shouldn’t haves. I have to continue living and avoid being a burden to anyone, especially my own family. My parents had raised me to be independent and capable, after all.
You know what? I’m expecting some money soon, and with it, I look forward to finally paying off the debts I had incurred both when I was single and when my husband and I were still trying so hard to make ends meet. I’m sure Papa will be proud of me when I have finally done that. After all, he and mama had no debt and that’s a legacy that I’d like to keep myself–getting old debt-free, with investments and savings, always prepared for the rainy days, being the one to give and almost never on the receiving end.
I reckon that it’s going to be a little difficult to fulfill because I’m not really the saver type. However, I have to try and be more disciplined this time. For my kids, at least. I wouldn’t want them to worry about me when the time comes, plus, I’d like to instill in them the value of saving and being financially prepared for almost everything, too… Yes, I shall do that. It’s going to be worth it.