It’s Sunday. Instead of having a relaxing evening, I’m nursing disappointment and frustration. This is not how I envisioned any of my days or nights as a mom. When I was younger, I had seen myself as nothing but a nurturing, sweet, loving, and capable mom. Now, however, I question myself whether I am any of those, whether I should have been a mom at all… why God allowed me to be a mom.
Lately, I tend to lose my temper at the slightest hint of disrespect and disobedience, and discipline my children, especially my eldest, out of anger. I tend to say harsh words (as opposed to spanking) in my attempt to make her understand that I am very, very displeased with what she had just said or done (or not done). In the end, it would look like I have won and have broken her spirit, but the truth is, it would probably be much easier to contend with a child with a broken bone than one with a broken spirit only to see that spirit replaced with apathy.
I suppose I am very frustrated over the fact that they respond differently both to rules and affection. Whereas one seems to be so attuned to my moods and tries her best to please me, the other prefers the approval of her peers and seems to keep trying to push my buttons and see when I would snap. Moreover, I have thought that they would be very happy and content to just have each other and be the best of friends, but they seem to fight all the time despite the fact that they are girls and sisters at that.
I would have continued with this line of thinking and ask God once more why He allowed me to be a mother. I tend to do that, especially when overwhelmed, but something kept me from doing that again this evening, somehow. Out of the blue, I was reminded of a certain Bible verse:
Children are a blessing and a gift from God. (Psalm 127:3, CEV)
And I was overcome by shame.
There are many women out there who would do everything to be a mom, but simply could not conceive. I have no right to be a mom, yet I am privileged to be one. I have dreamt of becoming a mother and God granted my desire. I am blessed–that is something that I need to remember–and I ought to be thankful ALL the time.
Yes, my children are a blessing and I shall not forget that again no matter what. ❤